


Sins of my Past

by ChantiRose



Category: Killjoys (TV)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-04
Updated: 2015-08-04
Packaged: 2018-04-12 22:03:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,055
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4496421
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ChantiRose/pseuds/ChantiRose
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dutch forgave D'avin, but she can't forgive herself for what she did. She decides she needs to pay for what she's done, and takes matters into her own hands.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Sins of my Past

**Author's Note:**

> Rated T simply because there's a few swears in here. I figure neither of them would be the type to hold back on that if it weren't for the fact that they have to because of TV ratings...

**_“_ ** _Dutch I remember everything. Please tell me you know; I would never do anything to hurt you and John. Please tell me you know that wasn’t really me.”_

_“I do, of course, I do. But it was me. I can’t be okay with that.”_

 

She had left him there, in the cargo bay, all alone when he needed her. It was just another crime to add to her ever-growing list. By the time she got back to her bunk there were tears in her eyes, and she shut the door firmly behind her. Slowly, she knelt down and lifted a panel off of the floor. From the space beneath it she pulled out a box which she opened tenderly. Inside was the first red box that Khylen had ever given her, and a glass bottle half-filled with a dark, yet oddly translucent, red liquid. She pulled both items out of the box and set the bottle aside momentarily as she sat down on the floor. When she opened the box, dozens of slips of parchment with names on them fell out. Gingerly, Dutch poured them into her lap and then began reading each name aloud before carefully placing the paper back into the box. Only once she had finished reading off the names of every single person that Khylen had had her murder did she close the box and pick up the bottle once more. Tears welled in her eyes and her hand shook as she pulled the stopper out of the bottle’s neck and raised it to her lips.

Dutch nearly cried out the moment that the liquid hit her tongue, but forced herself to take two more swallows of the liquid before she fell over onto the floor and curled up into a ball. Her fists balled up and she bit her lip as phantom fists rained punches on her. Thundering voices assaulted her, voicing every thought that Dutch was too afraid to let herself think. Her blood turned to fire in her veins and every muscle in her body contracted; her back arched, her toes clenched, and she couldn’t stop herself from screaming any longer. An anguished wail ripped out of her lungs and echoed through the ship. Tears surged down her cheeks in droves and she was writhing on the floor.

“I’m sorry!” she yelled. “I didn’t want any of it!” But still the voices pressed on.

_But you did_ , they whispered. _You liked it. It’s who you are. A killer. A cold blooded assassin. And it’s all you’ll ever be_.

“No! It’s not. It’s… it’s… it can’t be…” Dutch sobbed.

“Dutch!” D’avin yelled as he burst into the room. “Dutch! Are you okay? What’s wrong?”

_He doesn’t care_ , the voices taunted. _He’s glad to see you this way. He thinks you deserve this. You DO deserve this. He’d be relieved if you died right now. He’s afraid of you_.

“I know! I know but I don’t want him to be!”

“Dutch, what are you talking about? What’s going on-” D’avin’s questioning was quickly cut off when he saw the bottle sitting on the floor. “Aw shit” he said as he recognized the liquid within. A quick sniff of its contents confirmed his suspicions. “Dutch, whatever they’re saying, it’s lies. It’s not real. Listen to my voice, only my voice. Dutch, you aren’t a bad person,”

_You’re not a bad person?_ The voices interrupted. _Well, maybe he’s right. You aren’t a bad person; you’re a horrible one. You killed people without a second thought. You should rot in hell._

“You’re probably the best person that I know” D’av continued as he sat down beside her and lifter her head to cradle it in his lap. “Yeah, you drew the short stick on upbringings but you’ve risen past all that. You use what you were given for good, Dutch. You hear me? You’re good.”

_You’re good_ the voices mocked. _Dutch the Good? Yeah right._

“You bring out the best in me. I legitimately want to be better when I’m with you. No one else makes me feel like that. Not even Johnny. It’s only you, Dutch. You inspire me to be better because if anyone knows how to rise above their past it’s you. That’s what you’ve done Dutch. You rose above your past and now you’re here and you’re good. And whatever you think that you are, whatever you think about yourself, you are not your past, okay? Dutch, listen. Listen to me. Earlier, when I was going batshit crazy and you fought back, that wasn’t you. That was only self defense! Dutch I remember every second of that fight and I know for a fact that you were pulling punches there. Even when it was your life, you weren’t going to hurt me. That, that is who you are Dutch. You’re the person who protects others even if it means risking herself.”

_He’s lying_ the voices protested, though their sound was much quieter this time.

“You’re the person who pulled me out of my self-destructive spiral and made me something. You’re the person who I don’t even have to ask to cover my back because I already know that you will. You’re the person who has risked her life for mine three times now, and I won’t let you forget these things. Everything that those voices are telling you is bullshit because none of your fears are true, Dutch.”

“Even the one that’s saying that everything is my fault?” Dutch whispered quietly into his shirt.

“Especially that one.”

“What about the one that says that you probably hate me?”

“That one’s the biggest liar of them all.” They sat in silence for a few more moments before D’avin couldn’t stop himself from asking, “Why?”

“Why what?” Dutch sighed, already knowing what he meant.

“Why did you drink Ergot Essence?”

Dutch was silent for a moment before she finally whispered “because I needed to pay for the sins of my past.”

“Dutch, you have. Now it’s time to forgive yourself for things that you had no control over. Who you are now, that’s what matters. The rest is history, and beating yourself up about it won’t change that.”

“D’av?”

“Yeah?”

“Thanks.” Dutch sat up and smiled weakly before hugging him and whispering in his ear, “Now, take your own damn advice.”


End file.
